Animals Not Making News

Mona Lisa is Stifling a Laugh

For many years the smile of Mona Lisa has left many people wondering about its meaning. Currently, the smile is the result of a barely contained laugh.

A graphic artist recently discovered what he claims are images of animals hiding in the background of the famous painting. He went looking for the images after finding animal references in the writings of Leonarda daVinci even though the references do not specifically, or even generally, refer to the Mona Lisa.

To view the animal images, the painting needs to be tipped on its side. Certain areas on the painting need to be specifically highlighted while the rest of the painting is darkened. Then it is just up to one's imagination to find the menagerie supposedly hidden in the background. Of course, these images, once highlighted, completely discount that there is anything else around them to make them a part of a painting rather than an animal.

It is no surprise that news agencies immediately reported on the story. The idea that little bits of information can be pulled out of the whole and construed to mean anything a person wants it to mean is the basis of many news stories already. When asked about the story, all but one media outlet responded with “Wha?” The only different response was an open mouth, blank eyes, and a bit of drool.

In a related story, after many hours of studying the Mona Lisa myself, I have found an image of the Playboy bunny hidden in the folds of the woman's dress near her breasts. It is currently scheduled to be the cover of Playboy magazine in February as part of their “Artistic Expression of the Feminine” issue.

Dog Bites Man

Reuters reported yesterday in an article titled (I kid you not, this is the title of the article) “Poor Struggling, Rich Spending as Christmas Nears.” In an amazing turn of events, poor people are suddenly cash strapped in the winter while rich people are running around buying extravagant gifts for other rich people.

It seems this winter, due to the completely unanticipated increase in the use of heat and lights due to the cold, dark days, poor people have found they don't have much money. When asked about this a poor person responded, “I didn't have money this summer either. Or last winter. Actually, since I've been poor, I haven't had a lot of money to spend. It's even worse in the winter because I'm poor and cold.”

This is indeed a shocking news story. At least, it may be shocking. Or at least a little surprising. Or maybe even completely normal. The only people who might find this revelation newsworthy are those who are so rich that the idea of poor people is completely foreign to them.

In related stories coming later this week: “Water is Wet,” “The Sky is Blue (Except at Night),” and “News Agencies will Report Anything.”  

Owners of NYC Park Postpone Eviction of Occupy Wall Street


Yesterday, it was announced that Brookfield Office Properties (B.O.P.) wanted the park they owned cleared of Occupy Wall Street protesters. At 7pm the eviction of protesters was cancelled after a meeting with NYC government officials. It seems there was a disagreement as to who should carry out the operations.

B.O.P. officials believed that the NYPD would be handling the eviction duties. The NYC government agreed, but asked for B.O.P. to foot the bill to pay the police who would be conducting the eviction and subsequent arrests.

The B.O.P. argued that they had already paid their taxes and told the city officials to get on with it. NYC officials countered with the fact that the B.O.P., being a very wealthy property ownership group, did not actually pay enough in taxes to cover the costs.

One anonymous company official stated, "Why should we even pay taxes if the government won't intervene when we need them?"

Brookfield Office Properties promptly called off the eviction notice stating, "Fine, we don't care if people live in the streets. Let the city deal with it; we're not paying one red cent."

Occupy Wall Street Raises Awareness of Oppressed Muppets


In the wake of Occupy Wall Street, another long suffering group has caught the public's attention. Marrionette Puppets, or Muppets, have been exploited and oppressed for over thirty years.

In the 1950's Muppets were discovered by entertainment mogul Jim Henson. Immediately upon finding these playful, musical creatures, he realized the potential revenue potential of these colorful Muppets and signed them all, as a species, to lifetime, legally binding entertainment contracts. He then built an empire on their backs.

While there was limited success in the '50s with the Muppets appearing on television shows, the real goldmine came when Jim Henson partnered with the U.S. Government to provide poor children with educational programming on the Public Broadcasting Station. With the Federal Government as a partner, the Muppets challenges to their continued exploitation and oppression have gained little to no notice.

For 60 years this species has been relegated to non-citizen status. According to the government, they are "entertainment properties" and belong to the entertainment corporations who use them as slave labor. Since the late 1960s they have all been forced into a ghetto of New York City called Sesame Street where the Public Broadcasting Station has been televising their lives as a reality show.

All the popularity and fame these creatures have attained has done nothing to improve their living conditions. The most famous Muppets are still forced to live in garbage cans, alleyway nests, or backstage of a dilapidated theater owned by Scooter's uncle. The less famous are relegated to being tossed into boxes with hundreds of other Muppets and kept out of sight of the public so as not to bring to light their horrible living conditions.

This all changed when Occupy Wall Street started a few weeks ago. The Muppets of the Sesame Street ghetto decided to seize the opportunity to get their voice heard and started Occupy Sesame Street. For weeks now there have been Facebook posts, an email campaign, and protests to raise awareness of the plight of these poor Muppets.

Alas, it may all be in vain. The Muppets solidarity has begun to fracture as the Cookie Monster was bought off with the promise of being given 99% of all the cookies on Sesame Street. Snuffleupagus has come out against the rest of the Muppets claiming, "Most of them refuse to believe I even exist so that they don't have to share anything with me." Reporter Kermit the Frog has refused to cover the Occupy Sesame Street protests for the mainstream media severely limiting their exposure. Sadly the most famous Muppet, Elmo, who might actually be able to force the hand of government officials if he were to take part in demonstrations, years ago retreated into a world of his own imagining that he drew with crayons and has been catatonic ever since.

Occupy Sesame Street lives at the moment, but will soon die if the Muppets can't find some way to get their voices heard and taken seriously.