I wish I could make myself write more often. I know I should and yet I never get my dumbass up here to write. I guess this post is simply a chastisement of myself for not doing what I know I should be doing.
It would be easier if somebody actually wanted to read what I was writing. It's like I'm living in a vacuum. I write and when nobody is interested, I stop.
I actually did get a children's book done. It was a Christmas story that I tried to self publish on Amazon. com, but the crappy software would never work for me. I posted it on facebook and got quite a few nice words and some shares, but the picture I took of myself and Emily in front of the Christmas tree got five times as many likes.
A fucking picture. It takes absolutely no effort to take the damn picture and post it, but everybody throws a like on that stupid thing. I work hard on something that I care about, like the book, and very few people give a shit. Why is it so much easier to like a picture than it is to like an actual creative work?
28 December 2015
26 March 2015
A Long Lost Father
I was listening to the Nerdist Podcast this afternoon and there was something very interesting. The guest was the Amazing Randi who is a skeptic. As a skeptic, he has spent most of his life debunking fake mystics who claim they can tell the future or heal or speak to the deity of their choice. As he was speaking, he said he thinks that he is a free thinker because he did not have a close relationship with his father.
This was an interesting thought to me. I also consider myself a free thinker as well. I also did not have a relationship with my father. It was a bit different in that his father just wasn't close to him and mine died when I was very young, but the result seems to be the same. I'd never thought about it that way. I don't know if it is causal or just coincidence, but it definitely got my mind going.
As if that wasn't enough, Chris Hardwick, the host, asked the Amazing Randi if he would give up the way he thinks about things for the opportunity to have had a closer relationship with his father. It was the perfect follow up question. Randi said no. He was very comfortable with the way he thought and his outlook on life. Of course, I had to ask myself the same question as soon as I heard it.
Of course, this isn't the first time I'd asked that question of myself. There have definitely been times in my life when I have wondered about the enigma that is my father. When those times have come up, I have had to decide whether or not I wanted to delve into the past to find out more about him or just let the enigma live. I have always decided against.
I decided long ago that I don't want to know much about my father because of the few things that I actually do know about him and his family members. He was from a small town in Iowa, loved to hunt and fish, worked at John Deere with his high school diploma, and served in the National Guard after finishing his stint with the Air Force. If I were to be introduced to a person like this now, I would probably not have much in common or even want to know him that well. That person is not a bad person, he just doesn't interest me. I figure if I ever really looked into who he was and how he thought about things, I probably would not like him. Therefore, I have always decided to just let it be. But, that isn't the question, is it?
The question Hardwick asked was whether I would give up who I am now to have had my father for my whole life knowing full well that it would have completely changed my childhood and the person I was to become as an adult. That is a much harder question.
Initially, I want to say no. I would rather be who I am now because if my father had been alive to guide me, I probably would have become the conservative type of person that I assume he was. I don't like those types of people, so why would I want to become one of them? Makes sense, right? Well, it's not that easy when I think about it more.
If I were to regain my father, it is true that I would grow up very different than I did and become someone else. The thing is, I wouldn't remember the me that exists now because that liberal free thinker would have never existed. This means, I would also probably love the alternative me from that different reality in which I had my father. Plus, I would have a father, which is something I've wished for all my life. So would that not be better? Maybe it would be worth going back to 1980 and changing the past.
That's the thing with the "changing history" question. It can never be a clean cut answer because we can't know all the ramifications it could have. For all I know, my life would be 100 times better if my dad had lived. It could be worse too. Regardless I would never know because I would not have the personal knowledge of the alternate realities I am conjuring up inside my brain.
So, even though the question posed is initially a question of what would I personally like to have happen, the answer can not be personal to me at all. The only logical answer is to go back to the catalyst and decide on the answer with no regard at all to my own personal life. It comes down to one specific thing; should I decide to save my father or let him die. That only has one answer, which is to save him.
Not only does it save a young man, but it also saves his family the grief of losing him. My mother. My sister. How can I not spare them that grief? Does it really matter that I generally like who I am now? Not really. What matters is that if I choose myself now, I also choose to let a man die. I can't do that.
It would be horrible to lose my wife and boys whom I love more than anything else in this world. But, they would never know and neither would I. So, despite the logical conclusion, saving my father, it still batters my brain thinking about how the things I have enjoyed in my life would need to be given up in order to fix the thing that created it back in 1980.
This was an interesting thought to me. I also consider myself a free thinker as well. I also did not have a relationship with my father. It was a bit different in that his father just wasn't close to him and mine died when I was very young, but the result seems to be the same. I'd never thought about it that way. I don't know if it is causal or just coincidence, but it definitely got my mind going.
As if that wasn't enough, Chris Hardwick, the host, asked the Amazing Randi if he would give up the way he thinks about things for the opportunity to have had a closer relationship with his father. It was the perfect follow up question. Randi said no. He was very comfortable with the way he thought and his outlook on life. Of course, I had to ask myself the same question as soon as I heard it.
Of course, this isn't the first time I'd asked that question of myself. There have definitely been times in my life when I have wondered about the enigma that is my father. When those times have come up, I have had to decide whether or not I wanted to delve into the past to find out more about him or just let the enigma live. I have always decided against.
I decided long ago that I don't want to know much about my father because of the few things that I actually do know about him and his family members. He was from a small town in Iowa, loved to hunt and fish, worked at John Deere with his high school diploma, and served in the National Guard after finishing his stint with the Air Force. If I were to be introduced to a person like this now, I would probably not have much in common or even want to know him that well. That person is not a bad person, he just doesn't interest me. I figure if I ever really looked into who he was and how he thought about things, I probably would not like him. Therefore, I have always decided to just let it be. But, that isn't the question, is it?
The question Hardwick asked was whether I would give up who I am now to have had my father for my whole life knowing full well that it would have completely changed my childhood and the person I was to become as an adult. That is a much harder question.
Initially, I want to say no. I would rather be who I am now because if my father had been alive to guide me, I probably would have become the conservative type of person that I assume he was. I don't like those types of people, so why would I want to become one of them? Makes sense, right? Well, it's not that easy when I think about it more.
If I were to regain my father, it is true that I would grow up very different than I did and become someone else. The thing is, I wouldn't remember the me that exists now because that liberal free thinker would have never existed. This means, I would also probably love the alternative me from that different reality in which I had my father. Plus, I would have a father, which is something I've wished for all my life. So would that not be better? Maybe it would be worth going back to 1980 and changing the past.
That's the thing with the "changing history" question. It can never be a clean cut answer because we can't know all the ramifications it could have. For all I know, my life would be 100 times better if my dad had lived. It could be worse too. Regardless I would never know because I would not have the personal knowledge of the alternate realities I am conjuring up inside my brain.
So, even though the question posed is initially a question of what would I personally like to have happen, the answer can not be personal to me at all. The only logical answer is to go back to the catalyst and decide on the answer with no regard at all to my own personal life. It comes down to one specific thing; should I decide to save my father or let him die. That only has one answer, which is to save him.
Not only does it save a young man, but it also saves his family the grief of losing him. My mother. My sister. How can I not spare them that grief? Does it really matter that I generally like who I am now? Not really. What matters is that if I choose myself now, I also choose to let a man die. I can't do that.
It would be horrible to lose my wife and boys whom I love more than anything else in this world. But, they would never know and neither would I. So, despite the logical conclusion, saving my father, it still batters my brain thinking about how the things I have enjoyed in my life would need to be given up in order to fix the thing that created it back in 1980.
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