Cotton Candy: Old News

Old Man Dies, Police Not Concerned


Sometime late last night or early this morning an 84 year old man died. It was a tragedy for everyone who knew him. The man, whose condition had generally been deteriorating over the last half of his life, died suddenly and without explanation. This reporter wants to know "why don't we have an explanation?"

I questioned the police officers and the county coroner's office as to the causes of the man's death and both have responded that he was simply old. What is odd about this statement is that there was not autopsy to confirm the man was indeed old. For years, officials have held back on the cause of death until such time as an autopsy could be performed and the exact reason determined. How else could we know that a 90 year old woman died of heart failure rather than massive stroke? What about the 99 year old who suffocated in his sleep when he rolled over in bed on to his face? Clearly these people were not "old," there were real reasons for their deaths and I think the public should know, "Why are old people dying?"

It is a known fact that a large majority of deaths in this country are old people. Is there some sort of virus spreading throughout the aged population? Unfortunately, nobody seems to be concerned about this epidemic. These are dangerous times for the aged, but this reporter vows to continue fighting until we find out specifically what kills the older generations even if it means costly autopsies funded by the tax payer. We will find out why extremely old people die at a much higher rate than young people and then we will stop it from happening.

102 Year Old Man Mistaken for Zombie


In a somewhat related story, a 102 year old man inexplicably got out of his bed and left his nursing facility on the outskirts of town. A local hunter who was leaving the woods next to the facility saw the man walking towards him and mumbling something over and over. The hunter assumed the man was a zombie and promptly shot him in the head.

In a press statement the hunter said, "That old dude was scary. Anybody would have done what I did. I mean, we can't have zombies running around these parts. Imagine if he actually had been a zombie, I'd be a hero."

The family of the victim was surprised by the news. "We thought he'd died years ago. Are you sure he wasn't a zombie?"

The nursing facility believes that the man had simply wandered away as many old people do, but could not be 100% certain the man was actually alive when he left the building. Official cause of death will not be determined until the autopsy has been performed.