Political Party Bumper Sticker Ideas

The other day, as I was driving out to the mountains, I saw a bumper sticker on a car that made me laugh out loud. It said "Tea Parties are for little girls and their imaginary friends." And I'm positive Sarah Palin is the Mad Hatter in this scenario. I thought it was hilarious, but then again, I don't like the Tea Baggers. Of course, I don't like any of the political parties. That got me thinking about other bumper stickers that would fit other political parties and their friends. You may have seen these on Facebook when I originally posted them as individual posts, but I didn't want them to disappear into the FB void where I own the content, but FB uses it in my sidebar as a page suggestion or some sort of advertising that I knew nothing about. So here they are in all their dirty, muckraking glory.

Sarah Palin is the Mad Hatter.

The Democratic Party is for people who don't have friends, but would like to buy some.

The Republican Party is for people who have friends and would love to help them so long as they don't have to do anything, pay anything, and can make a buck off of it. 

The Green Party is for people who have given up on friends and would rather hug a tree. 

The Independent Party is for people who have no friends. 

The Libertarian Party is for people who want to be free to shoot their friends. 

The Socialist Party is for people who want everyone to be their friends....with benefits. 

The Nazi Party is for people who want friends who are exactly like them. 

The Occupy Movement is for people who don't want to say who their friends are, or what they are planning on doing, or where they are going.

There you go. If you have a political party and want to make fun of their friends, I'll add it to the list. If you have a political party and you might want me to make fun of their friends, let me know and I'll do my best. 

Take care, and remember, vote with your mind, not your party.

Cotton Candy: No Newstritional Value Whatsoever

White House Reporter Goes Down Spewing

Helen Thomas, 89, retired from the White House Press Corps after telling a Rabbi visiting the White House that all the Jews should leave Israel and go back to Germany and Poland or wherever else they originated. Not reported was Helen Thomas telling the NAACP to go back to Africa, Mexicans to go back to Spain, and Sci...entologists to go back to Helatrobus, Espinol and Arslychus of the Galactic Federation.

4-Sight: New iPhone

Apple introduced the new iPhone 4 today. After the ceremony, Jobs was overheard talking about all those idiots who bought the iPad, calling it a large, mock-up of this newest iPhone they were using during development. He reportedly laughed when he noted, "It's called a freaking iPad for god's sake. They didn't know it was a joke?" Jobs then rolled away on his solid gold segue.

In related news, the iPhone 5 and iPad with wings are already completed and due out as soon as everyone has the current versions. Estimates say this could be next week.

Rookie Mistakes

The least talked about sports draft happened today. Bryce Harper, 17, was taken first by the Nationals. The Nats will now have about 35 million dollars wrapped up in two players who have yet to play an out in Major League Baseball. Three of the four fans in attendance at today's game were ecstatic. The Detroit Lions called to congratulate the Nationals on getting the number 1 draft pick in consecutive years and dumping tons of money into unproven players. Lions management is excited the Nationals may knock them off the worst return for players drafted number 1 list.

My News. (Not news) (or maybe) (There is really no telling with the nature of reality)

Tar balls are now washing up on Florida beaches. To the relief of BP, it is related to the Rod Blagojevich court proceedings and not to the Gulf Oil Leak.

As the devastation of the Gulf Coast Region of the United States continues, former Governor Rod Blagojevich made a statement to the press denying any connection to the disaster. Upon further questioning the former governor did admit to returning the Chicago River from the Irish Green back to its normal brown color simply by dipping his head in the river on March 18th. Scientists have found the tar balls in Florida to be composed primarily of hair gel, XXXX, XXXXXX XXXX, mousse, and Just For Men hair coloring. (The other two ingredients would make my readers sick to their stomachs so the editor has decided not to publish them.) Because the Chicago River ultimately ends up in the Mississippi River and therefore the Gulf of Mexico, scientists agree there is a 97% chance of this being the origin of the tarballs. Brer Rabbit, currently trapped in Rod Blagojevich's hair, has confirmed this might indeed be the case. BP executives are excited by this news and have stopped trying to stop the oil leak in an effort to blame the entire incident on Rod Blagojevich. In related news, BP has optioned the rights drill Blagojevich's hair, which the former governor is using to finance his defense.



After a couple of days reviewing the tape, Armando Galarraga wants to overturn his decision to be cool about the whole thing and now he wants to punch Jim Joyce in the throat.


A funny thing happened on the way to Armando Galarraga's perfect game in Detroit. It wasn't a perfect game. Jim Joyce, the first base umpire, called the 27th, and clearly the last, out in the game safe. It was the whiff heard round the world. Jim Joyce simply blew the call. The call was a funny thing as evidenced by the amazed smile of Galarraga himself. Everyone was upset, but Galarraga just smiled and headed back to the mound to record the 28th out of his perfect game. The news of this travesty, easily on par with the World Trade Center or the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars based on the media coverage, has been hotly debated. The question is whether or not the call should be amended and a perfect game awarded, or left as it is. The umpire apologized in tears to Galarraga. In a true act of decency and sportsmanship, Galarraga forgave Jim Joyce and let by-gones be by-gones. At least until he saw the replays. Through a translator for the translator, who has a seriously strong accent, Galarraga claimed he thought the play was a bit closer than it was. The video showed how egregious the missed call was and now Galarraga has stated through the translation of the translator that he will be skipping the next few games because Jim Joyce will be there and Armando wants to punch Jim in the throat so that he can't make any more stupid calls. In related news, BP has released documents about their off shore drilling program with Jim Joyce's signature on them declaring them safe.


Lebron James is now free to go to any NBA team he chooses as Cleveland teen brings Spelling Bee Championship to the city.

Anamika Veeramani, from Cleveland, Ohio, won the Scripps National Spelling Bee Friday night, bringing a championship to the trophy starved city. Anamika Veeramani credited her parents with the victory because they gave her such a ridiculously long and difficult name to spell. "You don't even want to know what my four middle names are" said Anamika. After Anamika's victory, she yelled, "Go Cavs!" clearly having no idea the Cavaliers were eliminated by the Boston Celtics a week before as she has been chained to a chair with a dictionary in front of her for the last two months. The Cleveland Cavaliers, in a nice gesture to an actual champion, set up a call to Anamika with Lebron James who congratulated her on her victory.Lebron thanked Anamika immensely for bringing a championship to Cleveland and then asked her to spell NewgoglebazilimillionsYork. Unfortunately, the call was cut short when Anamika asked Lebron for tickets to an NBA Finals Game. In related news, BP issued a statement claiming the Gulf Coast is not nearly as bad as the Cuyahoga River in Cleveland because the Gulf of Mexico never actually caught fire.

Something Else to Remember on Memorial Day

Memorial Day is a day set aside to remember those who have sacrificed in the Armed Services. It is usually reserved for those who served their country. While this is important, we should also remember those friends and family members who were left at home to worry, grieve, and if they were lucky, care for their heroes when they returned from the horrors of war. Still, only remembering the sacrifices of these people is not sufficient to truly honoring them. If we wish to honor those who have served, we should remember the situations which required their sacrifice and work to ensure the same sacrifice should not be needed by their children and grandchildren.

We should remember that most of those who have suffered because of the atrocity of war did not start the war. Private Snuffy did not decide on his own that the U.S. should intervene in Vietnam. SGT. Snuffy did not determine whether or not Saddam Hussein should be in power. There are no Rambos in this world. The enlisted men and women do not take it upon themselves to wage wars. That decision rests solely on the shoulders of Congress. (At least it is supposed to be though the office of the president has been working for about 70 years to change it.) We should recognize this and make it a point to elect officials who are less ready to send their constituents to war.

We should remember hearts and minds cannot be changed at the point of knife or barrel of a gun. It is quite the opposite. Violence can only harden hearts towards the violent. Violence can only ignite thoughts of revenge. On Memorial Day, we remember the violence directed towards our fallen brothers, sisters, fathers, mothers, friends, and fellow countrymen and weep that we have lost them. Our hearts are then hardened. Our thoughts towards other countries are turned bitter. The rest of the world does the same towards us for the exact same acts of violence because their soldiers died in those places too.

Our brave men and women deserve to be honored and remembered. They deserve to be honored because they did what they believed to be right. They deserve to be honored because they did what they had to do. I believe we can honor them by seeing what they had to do and making sure others do not have to do it.

On Memorial Day, maybe we can start to forget a few things. Maybe we can forget that which has hardened our hearts. Maybe we can forget the bitter memories towards other countries. Maybe we can forget our violent past and reputation. Maybe if we forget, we can forgive. Maybe if we forgive, we can find better things to remember in the future.

Maybe we will remember the peace we enjoyed when the fighting stopped. Maybe we can remember humanity. Maybe we will remember to love all people. Maybe the rest of the world will remember how we changed and follow us. Maybe someday we will remember and be able to smile.

A story is worth a hundred words

This was originally printed in the May 3, 2005 issue of the River Cities Reader as an honorable mention for the Short-Fiction Contest.

Buying In

The crowds were eager and excitable as we faced off. Tension and heat connected us. Two crowds became one. The effect was deafening. Our voices and signs fought for the air. The crowd was everything.

Everything faded when I saw Protest Girl. She stood out amid chaos. She danced with friends. She sang dissent. Her sign, wittier than my own, bounced to the beat. Her face glowed under a blue bandanna. Everything revolved around her.

I imagined being her friend. Her smile directed at me. Holding hands. Dancing... As I daydreamed, the crowds began to shift.

Protest Girl's dance moved. My mind buzzed as she neared. I put myself into her path. The noise of the crowd returned. I was together with Protest Girl. The crowd was everything.

Spit landed on her cheek. Her eyes widened in horror. Shock took her voice. Her sign dropped. Her feet stopped. She no longer stood out.

My crowd enveloped me. It was just a crowd. The crowd was everything.

Is Was, a Paradox

I know what to say but I have no ideas. Of what I know, involves no things, only ideas, but I say the things that I know, ideas, not things, things about ideas, is was, a paradox.

I know not knowing, no ideas, no things to say, that which I know of, no, but I know to say that I say that I know, to say that I do not know, what I know not, but I know of knowing, no I do not, but I know, is was a paradox.

I know of the paradox, is was not a paradox, is is not a paradox, is was a paradox, the paradox does not know is was, as feet know not a pair of socks, no ideas, but I know, I say that I know while I do not know what to say, is was, a paradox.

I know no knowing of what to say, but knowing what I do not know, which I know not, and saying that I know what I know not is, was a paradox.

I know what to say.

No, I know to say what.

What do I know, I have no ideas to know the things that I do not know, I know what and I say no, and know, but what, and what I say, what I know, I know to say what, I know no things, to say nothing of what I know nothing of, I know that thing I say I have no knowing knowledge of, the thing that is nothing I know of, but I know not that I know these things, is was, a paradox.

I still know not what to say, I know what, that I know, but I know that I have said that I know nothing of that thing, no nothing, or no thing, that thing, but I know to say that I know things, but I do not know no things, nothing, I have said things, not nothing, I know that I do not know what to know, but I say that I know nothing, but what I have said, a thing is, a thing was, a paradox.

The thing is, was, a pair of socks, of socks I know things, but nothing of what I say knows things of socks, they are things, words, words know nothing, but I know the things that know nothing, I say these things, but I know no things that know nothing of me, but things know things that words do not know, say what, what, I know what, I know what things know nothing, but these things know not of knowing nothing, I know what the things know nothing of, but not all of what they know nothing of, I do knot know all things, or no things, or nothing, but things, I know not of the things I do not know, but knowing that I know what is, was a paradox.

Is, was, is a thing, was a thing, is is nothing, was is, after is, a thing, a straight line, time is nothing, time is a thing, was a thing, is is not anymore, time was is, now time is was, a straight line, circling, I know of time, I know what, I know no, I know things, I know is, I know was, I know a paradox: is was, a paradox.

Definitions?

cottonspew = rhymes with cotton's view, which seems to make others sick.

cottonspew = Cotton Spew, stuff uncontrollably exiting my mouth.

cottonspew = Cotton's Pew where I try to preach to the masses even though I don't have the pulpit.