Cotton Candy: No Newstritional Value Whatsoever

White House Reporter Goes Down Spewing

Helen Thomas, 89, retired from the White House Press Corps after telling a Rabbi visiting the White House that all the Jews should leave Israel and go back to Germany and Poland or wherever else they originated. Not reported was Helen Thomas telling the NAACP to go back to Africa, Mexicans to go back to Spain, and Sci...entologists to go back to Helatrobus, Espinol and Arslychus of the Galactic Federation.

4-Sight: New iPhone

Apple introduced the new iPhone 4 today. After the ceremony, Jobs was overheard talking about all those idiots who bought the iPad, calling it a large, mock-up of this newest iPhone they were using during development. He reportedly laughed when he noted, "It's called a freaking iPad for god's sake. They didn't know it was a joke?" Jobs then rolled away on his solid gold segue.

In related news, the iPhone 5 and iPad with wings are already completed and due out as soon as everyone has the current versions. Estimates say this could be next week.

Rookie Mistakes

The least talked about sports draft happened today. Bryce Harper, 17, was taken first by the Nationals. The Nats will now have about 35 million dollars wrapped up in two players who have yet to play an out in Major League Baseball. Three of the four fans in attendance at today's game were ecstatic. The Detroit Lions called to congratulate the Nationals on getting the number 1 draft pick in consecutive years and dumping tons of money into unproven players. Lions management is excited the Nationals may knock them off the worst return for players drafted number 1 list.