Cotton Candy: No Newstritional Value Whatsoever

White House Reporter Goes Down Spewing

Helen Thomas, 89, retired from the White House Press Corps after telling a Rabbi visiting the White House that all the Jews should leave Israel and go back to Germany and Poland or wherever else they originated. Not reported was Helen Thomas telling the NAACP to go back to Africa, Mexicans to go back to Spain, and Sci...entologists to go back to Helatrobus, Espinol and Arslychus of the Galactic Federation.

4-Sight: New iPhone

Apple introduced the new iPhone 4 today. After the ceremony, Jobs was overheard talking about all those idiots who bought the iPad, calling it a large, mock-up of this newest iPhone they were using during development. He reportedly laughed when he noted, "It's called a freaking iPad for god's sake. They didn't know it was a joke?" Jobs then rolled away on his solid gold segue.

In related news, the iPhone 5 and iPad with wings are already completed and due out as soon as everyone has the current versions. Estimates say this could be next week.

Rookie Mistakes

The least talked about sports draft happened today. Bryce Harper, 17, was taken first by the Nationals. The Nats will now have about 35 million dollars wrapped up in two players who have yet to play an out in Major League Baseball. Three of the four fans in attendance at today's game were ecstatic. The Detroit Lions called to congratulate the Nationals on getting the number 1 draft pick in consecutive years and dumping tons of money into unproven players. Lions management is excited the Nationals may knock them off the worst return for players drafted number 1 list.

My News. (Not news) (or maybe) (There is really no telling with the nature of reality)

Tar balls are now washing up on Florida beaches. To the relief of BP, it is related to the Rod Blagojevich court proceedings and not to the Gulf Oil Leak.

As the devastation of the Gulf Coast Region of the United States continues, former Governor Rod Blagojevich made a statement to the press denying any connection to the disaster. Upon further questioning the former governor did admit to returning the Chicago River from the Irish Green back to its normal brown color simply by dipping his head in the river on March 18th. Scientists have found the tar balls in Florida to be composed primarily of hair gel, XXXX, XXXXXX XXXX, mousse, and Just For Men hair coloring. (The other two ingredients would make my readers sick to their stomachs so the editor has decided not to publish them.) Because the Chicago River ultimately ends up in the Mississippi River and therefore the Gulf of Mexico, scientists agree there is a 97% chance of this being the origin of the tarballs. Brer Rabbit, currently trapped in Rod Blagojevich's hair, has confirmed this might indeed be the case. BP executives are excited by this news and have stopped trying to stop the oil leak in an effort to blame the entire incident on Rod Blagojevich. In related news, BP has optioned the rights drill Blagojevich's hair, which the former governor is using to finance his defense.



After a couple of days reviewing the tape, Armando Galarraga wants to overturn his decision to be cool about the whole thing and now he wants to punch Jim Joyce in the throat.


A funny thing happened on the way to Armando Galarraga's perfect game in Detroit. It wasn't a perfect game. Jim Joyce, the first base umpire, called the 27th, and clearly the last, out in the game safe. It was the whiff heard round the world. Jim Joyce simply blew the call. The call was a funny thing as evidenced by the amazed smile of Galarraga himself. Everyone was upset, but Galarraga just smiled and headed back to the mound to record the 28th out of his perfect game. The news of this travesty, easily on par with the World Trade Center or the Iraq and Afghanistan Wars based on the media coverage, has been hotly debated. The question is whether or not the call should be amended and a perfect game awarded, or left as it is. The umpire apologized in tears to Galarraga. In a true act of decency and sportsmanship, Galarraga forgave Jim Joyce and let by-gones be by-gones. At least until he saw the replays. Through a translator for the translator, who has a seriously strong accent, Galarraga claimed he thought the play was a bit closer than it was. The video showed how egregious the missed call was and now Galarraga has stated through the translation of the translator that he will be skipping the next few games because Jim Joyce will be there and Armando wants to punch Jim in the throat so that he can't make any more stupid calls. In related news, BP has released documents about their off shore drilling program with Jim Joyce's signature on them declaring them safe.


Lebron James is now free to go to any NBA team he chooses as Cleveland teen brings Spelling Bee Championship to the city.

Anamika Veeramani, from Cleveland, Ohio, won the Scripps National Spelling Bee Friday night, bringing a championship to the trophy starved city. Anamika Veeramani credited her parents with the victory because they gave her such a ridiculously long and difficult name to spell. "You don't even want to know what my four middle names are" said Anamika. After Anamika's victory, she yelled, "Go Cavs!" clearly having no idea the Cavaliers were eliminated by the Boston Celtics a week before as she has been chained to a chair with a dictionary in front of her for the last two months. The Cleveland Cavaliers, in a nice gesture to an actual champion, set up a call to Anamika with Lebron James who congratulated her on her victory.Lebron thanked Anamika immensely for bringing a championship to Cleveland and then asked her to spell NewgoglebazilimillionsYork. Unfortunately, the call was cut short when Anamika asked Lebron for tickets to an NBA Finals Game. In related news, BP issued a statement claiming the Gulf Coast is not nearly as bad as the Cuyahoga River in Cleveland because the Gulf of Mexico never actually caught fire.