Cotton Candy: Poop and Oil

Cure for Gas is Poop?


Recent studies in the area of panda poop show that microbes in pandas break down all sorts of hard to process plants. This leads scientists to believe they may be able to use these microbes to create biofuel from inedible plants and plant waste. The study of panda poop as fuel came as a result of a serendipitous trip to an outhouse by a Pandalologisterer. The presence of a corn cob, thoughts of pandas, and poop created a eureka moment. Soon, we may all be benefiting from the lack of plumbing and the ability to use inedible plants instead of corn to produce biofuel. Panda poop scientists, also know as poopy-heads by their stuck up non-poop studying colleagues, hope to one day rub their findings in the noses of evil oil executives.

You Want to Stick a Pipe Where?


Plans are moving forward on a controversial oil pipeline running from Canada to Texas. The new pipeline would be transporting oil extracted from tar sands from Alberta, Canada through Montana, S.Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, and Oklahoma to refineries in Texas. Many activists believe the pipeline is a bad idea due to the ecological cost of extracting the sand and the chance of a spill along the pipeline. In a recent poll, most Americans did not even know where these states were and didn't understand how a pipeline might travel through all of them at once. Only 27 people, all residing in at least one of those states, understood the question. Of those 27 people, 20 of them didn't understand why Texas needed oil. 95% of those polled thought it was a good idea because the U.S. needs to get away from dependency on foreign oil. One oil executive who asked to remain anonymous said, "Stick that up your panda's butt and smoke it" and then cackled wildly as he rolled up the window on the solid gold, stretch limo, humvee he was driving.

Cotton Candy: Old News

Old Man Dies, Police Not Concerned


Sometime late last night or early this morning an 84 year old man died. It was a tragedy for everyone who knew him. The man, whose condition had generally been deteriorating over the last half of his life, died suddenly and without explanation. This reporter wants to know "why don't we have an explanation?"

I questioned the police officers and the county coroner's office as to the causes of the man's death and both have responded that he was simply old. What is odd about this statement is that there was not autopsy to confirm the man was indeed old. For years, officials have held back on the cause of death until such time as an autopsy could be performed and the exact reason determined. How else could we know that a 90 year old woman died of heart failure rather than massive stroke? What about the 99 year old who suffocated in his sleep when he rolled over in bed on to his face? Clearly these people were not "old," there were real reasons for their deaths and I think the public should know, "Why are old people dying?"

It is a known fact that a large majority of deaths in this country are old people. Is there some sort of virus spreading throughout the aged population? Unfortunately, nobody seems to be concerned about this epidemic. These are dangerous times for the aged, but this reporter vows to continue fighting until we find out specifically what kills the older generations even if it means costly autopsies funded by the tax payer. We will find out why extremely old people die at a much higher rate than young people and then we will stop it from happening.

102 Year Old Man Mistaken for Zombie


In a somewhat related story, a 102 year old man inexplicably got out of his bed and left his nursing facility on the outskirts of town. A local hunter who was leaving the woods next to the facility saw the man walking towards him and mumbling something over and over. The hunter assumed the man was a zombie and promptly shot him in the head.

In a press statement the hunter said, "That old dude was scary. Anybody would have done what I did. I mean, we can't have zombies running around these parts. Imagine if he actually had been a zombie, I'd be a hero."

The family of the victim was surprised by the news. "We thought he'd died years ago. Are you sure he wasn't a zombie?"

The nursing facility believes that the man had simply wandered away as many old people do, but could not be 100% certain the man was actually alive when he left the building. Official cause of death will not be determined until the autopsy has been performed.

Cotton Candy: Not NEWS is good NEWS

BREAKING NEWS: The Current Economic Situation Started During the Bush Administration

During investigations into the economic woes of the United States, this intrepid reporter found evidence that the economic downturn started in 2008 and was a result of unregulated practices that took place during the Bush Administration's 8 years in office. This is an absolute shock to me because of the continuing reports declaring this to be the Obama Administration's economic crisis. I refuse to believe the Liberal Media has not caught on to this fact. I can only believe that the Obama Administration is actively working to take ownership of this crisis in order to purposely continue the downward economic spiral so that they can hand it off to one of the "lucky" Republicans running for president now. Once the hand-off of the presidency is completed, it will then become that president's fault allowing Democrats to once again win the presidency. In related news, the new head coach of the University of Miami football team has been told he will be fired in 3 years due to the lack of productivity of his team that was decimated by sanctions incurred by the coaches before him.

S&P Being Investigated by the Federal Government After Dropping the U.S. to AA+


Despite propping up the U.S. Economy for years with AAA ratings for mortgage backed securities and the companies that owned them, S&P now faces a federal investigation after dropping the U.S. Government to a AA+ credit rating. For 8 years, S&P heroically signed off on garbage mortgage securities so the U.S. Economy could continue to experience record growth and prosperity. Even though they knew they could not keep the economy from eventually crashing down thanks to the existence of the Democratic Party and poor people, S&P helped keep the job creators rolling in the money so that they could support the dredges of society with jobs. When asked to comment, S&P stated, "So what if some people are having a rough couple of years? We kept them working for at least 7 years with our patriotic credit ratings. If they had cut their costs and not been free spenders they would have money now to fall back on." And on the subject of the Federal credit rating: "Now that the Democrats are running things we really can't continue to carry the economy when we know the Obama Administration just wants to waste money on things like health care. It's not like it was when the Bush Administration was trying to bring freedom and democracy to the world." S&P has little worry the investigation will find anything besides Patriots supporting the country especially since investigations like this take years to complete and by then the Patriotic Republican Party will have returned to office. At that time they are sure the leadership of this great country will have shown they are deserving of a AAA credit rating.