Uncaged

Cindy walked into the gym with her baby in a sling on her chest. There was a cage set up in the middle of folding chairs. It looked like the play pen where Samantha spent much of her time. People sat around the giant play pen waiting for two men to enter it. Cindy sat down and waited for her ex-husband Bobby to be called to the ring.

They'd had a fight and separated. They always fought at the end. But now he was fighting someone else.

The last six months had been good for Bobby. Bobby was getting his life together. He had a new job working third shift in a warehouse. He joined the local Alcoholics Anonymous group. Bobby hadn't touched a drink since. He'd gotten into shape.

The gym where he'd been working out had started offering mixed martial arts classes. Bobby was a natural. The owner had started to train Bobby for a real fight. Bobby had a purpose for the first time in his life.

Cindy had even gotten a child support check. He'd called her and told her he'd done it all for her. He wanted to see his little girl and talk to Cindy after the fight.

Bobby looked good to her standing up in the ring. His muscles rippled. It was the first time she'd seen him smile in years. This was the man she'd fallen in love with in highschool. Cindy's eyes welled up with the memories of her past life. Things were so good before...before he...the bell snapped Cindy out of her memories.

The fight started and Bobby attacked. Cindy watched as he threw his punches. She saw Bobby pushing the other fighter against the cage. Grabbing him and holding him there while the man tried to get away. Bobby kneed him in the stomach. He threw the man to the ground and jumped on top of him. The other fighter struggled as Bobby pinned the man's hands to the floor. Bobby hit the man with short little punches in the body that would eventually take their toll. His forearm pushed against the throat choking the man. Then he started hitting the man's face as he lay on the floor. One after another Bobby's fists landed as the man tried to crawl out from under him. The referee jumped on Bobby's back and pulled him off. The other man lay twitching inside the cage.

Cindy drove home fast. She didn't even get Samantha out of her car at when she ran inside. A few minutes later Cindy was speeding down the road again with a trunkful of clothes and no plans to stop.

Animals Not Making News

Mona Lisa is Stifling a Laugh

For many years the smile of Mona Lisa has left many people wondering about its meaning. Currently, the smile is the result of a barely contained laugh.

A graphic artist recently discovered what he claims are images of animals hiding in the background of the famous painting. He went looking for the images after finding animal references in the writings of Leonarda daVinci even though the references do not specifically, or even generally, refer to the Mona Lisa.

To view the animal images, the painting needs to be tipped on its side. Certain areas on the painting need to be specifically highlighted while the rest of the painting is darkened. Then it is just up to one's imagination to find the menagerie supposedly hidden in the background. Of course, these images, once highlighted, completely discount that there is anything else around them to make them a part of a painting rather than an animal.

It is no surprise that news agencies immediately reported on the story. The idea that little bits of information can be pulled out of the whole and construed to mean anything a person wants it to mean is the basis of many news stories already. When asked about the story, all but one media outlet responded with “Wha?” The only different response was an open mouth, blank eyes, and a bit of drool.

In a related story, after many hours of studying the Mona Lisa myself, I have found an image of the Playboy bunny hidden in the folds of the woman's dress near her breasts. It is currently scheduled to be the cover of Playboy magazine in February as part of their “Artistic Expression of the Feminine” issue.

Dog Bites Man

Reuters reported yesterday in an article titled (I kid you not, this is the title of the article) “Poor Struggling, Rich Spending as Christmas Nears.” In an amazing turn of events, poor people are suddenly cash strapped in the winter while rich people are running around buying extravagant gifts for other rich people.

It seems this winter, due to the completely unanticipated increase in the use of heat and lights due to the cold, dark days, poor people have found they don't have much money. When asked about this a poor person responded, “I didn't have money this summer either. Or last winter. Actually, since I've been poor, I haven't had a lot of money to spend. It's even worse in the winter because I'm poor and cold.”

This is indeed a shocking news story. At least, it may be shocking. Or at least a little surprising. Or maybe even completely normal. The only people who might find this revelation newsworthy are those who are so rich that the idea of poor people is completely foreign to them.

In related stories coming later this week: “Water is Wet,” “The Sky is Blue (Except at Night),” and “News Agencies will Report Anything.”