A NOSE SMOKING POLICY

In an attempt to stop the annual 4/20 pot smoking rally at the University of Colorado, police and university officials have deployed a new secret weapon in the war on drugs: fish fertilizer. University officials announced they would shut down the campus to any non-students or non-faculty in order to stop the annual "Smoke In" held on campus that police and officials describe as a party and not a protest. To help with this effort, all the lawns on campus were sprayed down with fish fertilizer, which reeks like dead fish, to keep people from congregating around the campus. 

It seems to be an odd tactic to keep pot smokers away considering that many of them smell strongly of body odor, wear waaaay too much patchouli oil, and love skunky smells. It seems that the intended targets of the fish smell may not even notice it through the dense fog of hippy-stank they carry around with them on a regular basis. A non-smoking student on the way to class stated, "I'm somewhat used to the hippy smell, but when you add the fish stink in with it, I'm not sure I will be able to concentrate on anything except trying not to vomit." At least for one student, it seems the university's attempt to keep 4/20 from disrupting the school day has failed. 

A few blocks away, near the Boulder Creek, hippies are smoking pot in peace without the annoying smell of fish harshing their buzz. 

The "Hair" to the Leadership of North Korea

North Korean Leader Continues Legacy


In his first public speech, Kim Jong Un, North Korea's newest dictator, has vowed to continue on with the legacy of his father. World leaders were prepared for Un to outline a continued plan of nuclear armament and the build-up of the nation's military. They were caught completely unaware as the entire speech was actually focused on Kim Jong Un's appearance. Kim Jong Un assured his country that although his father was gone, Un would continue to bring joy to the world with his comical appearance.

Over the months since he officially took office, Kim Jong Un has been growing his Kid 'n Play Hi-Top Fade out before addressing the nation. In that time he has also had his late father's polyester leisure suits tailored to fit. Though Kim Jong Un does not have the signature large glasses of his father, he has assured the nation he will soon have even bigger and better ones to debut at his next speech. It seems that while Kim Jong Il was fascinated with Chicago Bulls star Michael Jordan, Kim Jong Un is a Cubs fan and is in negotiations with Harry Caray's family to get  an old pair of Harry's glasses. As soon as the glasses are obtained, the dictator will hold another public address to further alleviate his country's fears that they will no longer have the funniest looking dictator in the world.



Christopher Reid Issues Apology


Christopher "Kid" Reid of the rap duo Kid 'n Play has issued a statement apologizing to the world about the hi-top fade he helped popularize in the late '80s. According to Reid, he was aware of the dangers of the hi-top fade. "It was just fun at first, but the longer I wore the H.T.F. the more out of control I got. I couldn't keep my ego under control."

According to Christopher "Play" Martin, it was the major factor to the break-up of the group. "Kid was just scary in the late stages of the H.T.F. I saw the horrors of a soul consumed. Kid's H.T.F. led me to search for salvation and find Jesus Christ in my life."

After massive reconstructive scalp surgery to make sure his head could never support another hi-top fade, Chris Reid is still dealing with the emotional scars. "I thought I had put all that behind me and then I saw Kim Jong Il on the T.V. and realized the danger was still out there. And now Kim Jong Un too? I apologize to North Korea and the world for opening the Pandora's Box of haircuts 25 years ago."

Currently Kid 'n Play have reunited and are playing concerts around the world bringing awareness to the dangers of the hi-top fade.

Stocks Rise for GMF Marketing

In a shocking turn of events, the marketing firm GMF (Generic Marketing Firm) landed Starbucks coffee as a client causing stock prices formerly priced at a penny to rocket to well over a dollar. GMF is known for it's innovative use of plain white labels with black words on their advertising. Despite being responsible for numerous marketing campaigns such as "Beer," "Soup," and "Speed Limit 55," their stocks have never moved more than a few cents up or down. CEO of GMF, John Smith stated, "We've been around forever. Everyone knows our stuff, but for some reason we just never landed that big name client. That's all in the past now. Once people see what we did with the Starbucks campaign, they'll realize we're not only the right client for them, but for everyone." Mr. Smith then revealed the new Starbucks advertisement: "Finally! A Starbucks roast for everyone who always wished Starbucks had a roast like this." After the unveiling, the crowd was dumbstruck for several moments as they read and re-read the slogan. Slowly, the brilliance of the advertisement began to sweep over the crowd. The silence was followed by a smattering of applause, a veritable slow-clap began, until the entire crowd grasped what was in front of them unleashing a full standing ovation for Mr. Smith and GMF. Stocks in GMF rose sharply once the advertisement was rolled out and the business world began calling the Generic Marketing Firm to tap in to the unlimited possibilities of Generic Marketing. On the downside of the business report, every other marketing company in the world have filed for bankruptcy and fired all their employees causing the overall market to plummet on Wall Street today.