Uncaged

Cindy walked into the gym with her baby in a sling on her chest. There was a cage set up in the middle of folding chairs. It looked like the play pen where Samantha spent much of her time. People sat around the giant play pen waiting for two men to enter it. Cindy sat down and waited for her ex-husband Bobby to be called to the ring.

They'd had a fight and separated. They always fought at the end. But now he was fighting someone else.

The last six months had been good for Bobby. Bobby was getting his life together. He had a new job working third shift in a warehouse. He joined the local Alcoholics Anonymous group. Bobby hadn't touched a drink since. He'd gotten into shape.

The gym where he'd been working out had started offering mixed martial arts classes. Bobby was a natural. The owner had started to train Bobby for a real fight. Bobby had a purpose for the first time in his life.

Cindy had even gotten a child support check. He'd called her and told her he'd done it all for her. He wanted to see his little girl and talk to Cindy after the fight.

Bobby looked good to her standing up in the ring. His muscles rippled. It was the first time she'd seen him smile in years. This was the man she'd fallen in love with in highschool. Cindy's eyes welled up with the memories of her past life. Things were so good before...before he...the bell snapped Cindy out of her memories.

The fight started and Bobby attacked. Cindy watched as he threw his punches. She saw Bobby pushing the other fighter against the cage. Grabbing him and holding him there while the man tried to get away. Bobby kneed him in the stomach. He threw the man to the ground and jumped on top of him. The other fighter struggled as Bobby pinned the man's hands to the floor. Bobby hit the man with short little punches in the body that would eventually take their toll. His forearm pushed against the throat choking the man. Then he started hitting the man's face as he lay on the floor. One after another Bobby's fists landed as the man tried to crawl out from under him. The referee jumped on Bobby's back and pulled him off. The other man lay twitching inside the cage.

Cindy drove home fast. She didn't even get Samantha out of her car at when she ran inside. A few minutes later Cindy was speeding down the road again with a trunkful of clothes and no plans to stop.

Animals Not Making News

Mona Lisa is Stifling a Laugh

For many years the smile of Mona Lisa has left many people wondering about its meaning. Currently, the smile is the result of a barely contained laugh.

A graphic artist recently discovered what he claims are images of animals hiding in the background of the famous painting. He went looking for the images after finding animal references in the writings of Leonarda daVinci even though the references do not specifically, or even generally, refer to the Mona Lisa.

To view the animal images, the painting needs to be tipped on its side. Certain areas on the painting need to be specifically highlighted while the rest of the painting is darkened. Then it is just up to one's imagination to find the menagerie supposedly hidden in the background. Of course, these images, once highlighted, completely discount that there is anything else around them to make them a part of a painting rather than an animal.

It is no surprise that news agencies immediately reported on the story. The idea that little bits of information can be pulled out of the whole and construed to mean anything a person wants it to mean is the basis of many news stories already. When asked about the story, all but one media outlet responded with “Wha?” The only different response was an open mouth, blank eyes, and a bit of drool.

In a related story, after many hours of studying the Mona Lisa myself, I have found an image of the Playboy bunny hidden in the folds of the woman's dress near her breasts. It is currently scheduled to be the cover of Playboy magazine in February as part of their “Artistic Expression of the Feminine” issue.

Dog Bites Man

Reuters reported yesterday in an article titled (I kid you not, this is the title of the article) “Poor Struggling, Rich Spending as Christmas Nears.” In an amazing turn of events, poor people are suddenly cash strapped in the winter while rich people are running around buying extravagant gifts for other rich people.

It seems this winter, due to the completely unanticipated increase in the use of heat and lights due to the cold, dark days, poor people have found they don't have much money. When asked about this a poor person responded, “I didn't have money this summer either. Or last winter. Actually, since I've been poor, I haven't had a lot of money to spend. It's even worse in the winter because I'm poor and cold.”

This is indeed a shocking news story. At least, it may be shocking. Or at least a little surprising. Or maybe even completely normal. The only people who might find this revelation newsworthy are those who are so rich that the idea of poor people is completely foreign to them.

In related stories coming later this week: “Water is Wet,” “The Sky is Blue (Except at Night),” and “News Agencies will Report Anything.”  

Owners of NYC Park Postpone Eviction of Occupy Wall Street


Yesterday, it was announced that Brookfield Office Properties (B.O.P.) wanted the park they owned cleared of Occupy Wall Street protesters. At 7pm the eviction of protesters was cancelled after a meeting with NYC government officials. It seems there was a disagreement as to who should carry out the operations.

B.O.P. officials believed that the NYPD would be handling the eviction duties. The NYC government agreed, but asked for B.O.P. to foot the bill to pay the police who would be conducting the eviction and subsequent arrests.

The B.O.P. argued that they had already paid their taxes and told the city officials to get on with it. NYC officials countered with the fact that the B.O.P., being a very wealthy property ownership group, did not actually pay enough in taxes to cover the costs.

One anonymous company official stated, "Why should we even pay taxes if the government won't intervene when we need them?"

Brookfield Office Properties promptly called off the eviction notice stating, "Fine, we don't care if people live in the streets. Let the city deal with it; we're not paying one red cent."

Occupy Wall Street Raises Awareness of Oppressed Muppets


In the wake of Occupy Wall Street, another long suffering group has caught the public's attention. Marrionette Puppets, or Muppets, have been exploited and oppressed for over thirty years.

In the 1950's Muppets were discovered by entertainment mogul Jim Henson. Immediately upon finding these playful, musical creatures, he realized the potential revenue potential of these colorful Muppets and signed them all, as a species, to lifetime, legally binding entertainment contracts. He then built an empire on their backs.

While there was limited success in the '50s with the Muppets appearing on television shows, the real goldmine came when Jim Henson partnered with the U.S. Government to provide poor children with educational programming on the Public Broadcasting Station. With the Federal Government as a partner, the Muppets challenges to their continued exploitation and oppression have gained little to no notice.

For 60 years this species has been relegated to non-citizen status. According to the government, they are "entertainment properties" and belong to the entertainment corporations who use them as slave labor. Since the late 1960s they have all been forced into a ghetto of New York City called Sesame Street where the Public Broadcasting Station has been televising their lives as a reality show.

All the popularity and fame these creatures have attained has done nothing to improve their living conditions. The most famous Muppets are still forced to live in garbage cans, alleyway nests, or backstage of a dilapidated theater owned by Scooter's uncle. The less famous are relegated to being tossed into boxes with hundreds of other Muppets and kept out of sight of the public so as not to bring to light their horrible living conditions.

This all changed when Occupy Wall Street started a few weeks ago. The Muppets of the Sesame Street ghetto decided to seize the opportunity to get their voice heard and started Occupy Sesame Street. For weeks now there have been Facebook posts, an email campaign, and protests to raise awareness of the plight of these poor Muppets.

Alas, it may all be in vain. The Muppets solidarity has begun to fracture as the Cookie Monster was bought off with the promise of being given 99% of all the cookies on Sesame Street. Snuffleupagus has come out against the rest of the Muppets claiming, "Most of them refuse to believe I even exist so that they don't have to share anything with me." Reporter Kermit the Frog has refused to cover the Occupy Sesame Street protests for the mainstream media severely limiting their exposure. Sadly the most famous Muppet, Elmo, who might actually be able to force the hand of government officials if he were to take part in demonstrations, years ago retreated into a world of his own imagining that he drew with crayons and has been catatonic ever since.

Occupy Sesame Street lives at the moment, but will soon die if the Muppets can't find some way to get their voices heard and taken seriously.

Cotton Candy: Poop and Oil

Cure for Gas is Poop?


Recent studies in the area of panda poop show that microbes in pandas break down all sorts of hard to process plants. This leads scientists to believe they may be able to use these microbes to create biofuel from inedible plants and plant waste. The study of panda poop as fuel came as a result of a serendipitous trip to an outhouse by a Pandalologisterer. The presence of a corn cob, thoughts of pandas, and poop created a eureka moment. Soon, we may all be benefiting from the lack of plumbing and the ability to use inedible plants instead of corn to produce biofuel. Panda poop scientists, also know as poopy-heads by their stuck up non-poop studying colleagues, hope to one day rub their findings in the noses of evil oil executives.

You Want to Stick a Pipe Where?


Plans are moving forward on a controversial oil pipeline running from Canada to Texas. The new pipeline would be transporting oil extracted from tar sands from Alberta, Canada through Montana, S.Dakota, Nebraska, Kansas, and Oklahoma to refineries in Texas. Many activists believe the pipeline is a bad idea due to the ecological cost of extracting the sand and the chance of a spill along the pipeline. In a recent poll, most Americans did not even know where these states were and didn't understand how a pipeline might travel through all of them at once. Only 27 people, all residing in at least one of those states, understood the question. Of those 27 people, 20 of them didn't understand why Texas needed oil. 95% of those polled thought it was a good idea because the U.S. needs to get away from dependency on foreign oil. One oil executive who asked to remain anonymous said, "Stick that up your panda's butt and smoke it" and then cackled wildly as he rolled up the window on the solid gold, stretch limo, humvee he was driving.

Cotton Candy: Old News

Old Man Dies, Police Not Concerned


Sometime late last night or early this morning an 84 year old man died. It was a tragedy for everyone who knew him. The man, whose condition had generally been deteriorating over the last half of his life, died suddenly and without explanation. This reporter wants to know "why don't we have an explanation?"

I questioned the police officers and the county coroner's office as to the causes of the man's death and both have responded that he was simply old. What is odd about this statement is that there was not autopsy to confirm the man was indeed old. For years, officials have held back on the cause of death until such time as an autopsy could be performed and the exact reason determined. How else could we know that a 90 year old woman died of heart failure rather than massive stroke? What about the 99 year old who suffocated in his sleep when he rolled over in bed on to his face? Clearly these people were not "old," there were real reasons for their deaths and I think the public should know, "Why are old people dying?"

It is a known fact that a large majority of deaths in this country are old people. Is there some sort of virus spreading throughout the aged population? Unfortunately, nobody seems to be concerned about this epidemic. These are dangerous times for the aged, but this reporter vows to continue fighting until we find out specifically what kills the older generations even if it means costly autopsies funded by the tax payer. We will find out why extremely old people die at a much higher rate than young people and then we will stop it from happening.

102 Year Old Man Mistaken for Zombie


In a somewhat related story, a 102 year old man inexplicably got out of his bed and left his nursing facility on the outskirts of town. A local hunter who was leaving the woods next to the facility saw the man walking towards him and mumbling something over and over. The hunter assumed the man was a zombie and promptly shot him in the head.

In a press statement the hunter said, "That old dude was scary. Anybody would have done what I did. I mean, we can't have zombies running around these parts. Imagine if he actually had been a zombie, I'd be a hero."

The family of the victim was surprised by the news. "We thought he'd died years ago. Are you sure he wasn't a zombie?"

The nursing facility believes that the man had simply wandered away as many old people do, but could not be 100% certain the man was actually alive when he left the building. Official cause of death will not be determined until the autopsy has been performed.

Cotton Candy: Not NEWS is good NEWS

BREAKING NEWS: The Current Economic Situation Started During the Bush Administration

During investigations into the economic woes of the United States, this intrepid reporter found evidence that the economic downturn started in 2008 and was a result of unregulated practices that took place during the Bush Administration's 8 years in office. This is an absolute shock to me because of the continuing reports declaring this to be the Obama Administration's economic crisis. I refuse to believe the Liberal Media has not caught on to this fact. I can only believe that the Obama Administration is actively working to take ownership of this crisis in order to purposely continue the downward economic spiral so that they can hand it off to one of the "lucky" Republicans running for president now. Once the hand-off of the presidency is completed, it will then become that president's fault allowing Democrats to once again win the presidency. In related news, the new head coach of the University of Miami football team has been told he will be fired in 3 years due to the lack of productivity of his team that was decimated by sanctions incurred by the coaches before him.

S&P Being Investigated by the Federal Government After Dropping the U.S. to AA+


Despite propping up the U.S. Economy for years with AAA ratings for mortgage backed securities and the companies that owned them, S&P now faces a federal investigation after dropping the U.S. Government to a AA+ credit rating. For 8 years, S&P heroically signed off on garbage mortgage securities so the U.S. Economy could continue to experience record growth and prosperity. Even though they knew they could not keep the economy from eventually crashing down thanks to the existence of the Democratic Party and poor people, S&P helped keep the job creators rolling in the money so that they could support the dredges of society with jobs. When asked to comment, S&P stated, "So what if some people are having a rough couple of years? We kept them working for at least 7 years with our patriotic credit ratings. If they had cut their costs and not been free spenders they would have money now to fall back on." And on the subject of the Federal credit rating: "Now that the Democrats are running things we really can't continue to carry the economy when we know the Obama Administration just wants to waste money on things like health care. It's not like it was when the Bush Administration was trying to bring freedom and democracy to the world." S&P has little worry the investigation will find anything besides Patriots supporting the country especially since investigations like this take years to complete and by then the Patriotic Republican Party will have returned to office. At that time they are sure the leadership of this great country will have shown they are deserving of a AAA credit rating.